What Do You Do When Your Kid Has Lost His Confidence?

I’m the mother of two teenage boys. The oldest is fifteen and the youngest just turned thirteen. You might think that boys this age would have as much confidence as they do appetites—which is HUGE, I might add. But, like any kid navigating through childhood and adolescence, their level of confidence ebbs and flows—and usually is dependent upon SOMEONE else...or so they think.

The oldest son plays hockey. You would think that after playing for almost ten years, he would be a wealth of confidence…especially now with his teammates and opposing players being as big as refrigerators. These are big boys who play rough. But when he doesn’t get ice time during games for whatever reason, he questions his abilities and the confidence that his coach has in him as a player. Game after game, this can spiral into a pretty ugly mess. This situation ends up devouring his confidence, making him second-guess himself when he’s on the ice, which results in mistakes—which then creates self-doubt, low self-esteem, etc. This lack of “hockey” confidence then flows to other areas in his life, as I can show you with some of his most recent grades. L

Watching a son or daughter lose their confidence is heart-wrenching. We want to pick them up, dust them off, and kiss and hug them until the hurt goes away.

But what’s a parent to do? No matter how much we say, “You’re awesome!” our words fall on deaf ears. He knows we think he’s awesome – he’s our kid! We aren’t the ones who can mend this situation.

And I’m here to tell you that it’s not the coach who can mend it either.

Wait. What?!?!? I can see your eyes bugging out. Wasn’t I leading you to believe that? Tricked ya!

Nope. It’s our son – or in your case, your son or daughter.

Confident kids bounce back after being beaten down…but only when they finally realize for themselves that they have value and worth. Sure, it helped that we gave praise, reminded him of past successes, and the fact that he got more ice time.  But it was really him that decided that he wasn’t going to be broken anymore.

Here are some traits of confident kids:

• They take risks.
• They use unsuccessful attempts (notice I didn’t say failures) as learning experiences.
• They work hard.
• They expect to do well, but don’t cave when the result turns out differently than what was expected.

We all “lose” our confidence at times. But really, it’s not lost. It’s there…we just have to remember that we are valuable and have worthiness.

What are some of the ways that you help boost your son’s or daughter’s confidence when they appeared to have lost theirs?

Book 2 in Becoming a Better You! series update

We've been asked when to expect the next book in the series, Are You Respectful Today?, and we're proud to say that the book will be going to the printer tomorrow! Our illustrator Jeff Covieo did another outstanding job bringing our words to life.

We've been blessed with wonderful words about the new book. You can read them over at The Corner on Character blog.

We've finished the text for book 3, Are You Empathetic Today?, and the illustrations have already started. We can't wait to share this entire series with you!

Confidence vs. Cockiness (psst...we really don't like that word, but...)

Our marketing rep told me that at a conference, while looking at our book Are You Confident Today?, a mother stated, "My child doesn't need any more confidence. He's already too cocky."

Upfront, please know we don't like that "c" word - and I'm obviously not talking about "confidence"!

When I heard those statements, I immediately scrunched my nose and said, "What? Too much confidence?"

But it brings up a really good point...when does confidence become cockiness and how do we, as parents, make sure our kids are grounded enough to know the difference?

My older son plays hockey. He's always had natural talent, but has worked really hard to hone his skills. Over the years, my husband and I have watched parents build their kid's ego up, oftentimes to the detriment of the player's attitude and work ethic. By the time the player gets to high school age, his self-perception of his skills is so elevated that even teammates don't want to hang out because "he's such a jerk" and coaches have a hard time getting him to comply with the system (way the coach wants a particular play to go.)

It's hard enough making and keeping friends; why would parents want to put their kid at a disadvantage by creating an ego monster? And, aren't coaches like future bosses? I highly doubt parents want their child to be unsuccessful in the work environment.

We've never been over-the-top parents. We compliment on hard work and question when things didn't turn out as expected. With the amount of time, money, and energy that goes into nurturing a hockey player, we do expect him to do his part. With a good combination of praise and questioning, I think we've help to create a balanced attitude in our son.

Building a healthy self-esteem and providing opportunities to build confidence are key components of a parent's role in raising a child. If your kid really has too much confidence, to the point that he/she is not accepted by his/her peers, it might be time to look at ways to gently rein in his/her ego.

Are You Confident Today? wins 2014 Mom's Choice Awards - Gold Medal Book Award

We are so proud to announce that Are You Confident Today? has been awarded a Gold Medal in the Juvenile Books (Level 1 Ages 5-9) in the Motivational/Inspirational category. We couldn't be more pleased.

Also Book 2, Are You Respectful Today?, in the Becoming a Better You! (BABY!) series is coming along nicely. Here's a peek at the front cover. What do you think?

While writing this book, Marian and I had many discussions about how, where, when, and why kids need to be respectful - just like our conversations while writing about confidence. Granted, neither of us have a PhD in confidence or respect, but we do have a lot of years of working with kids. Plus...we have the #worldstoughestjob according to American Greetings. Click the link if you've not seen it yet--it's worth your time. Much of what we discuss in all of the BABY! books comes from our own experiences, as well as the research we've done on each topic.

Summit Academy Elementary North has CONFIDENT Kids!

I had the pleasure of speaking with students and parents of Summit Academy Elementary North last night. It was phenomenal. Carol Paul, another NPM author and literacy advocate for Summit, contacted me after she learned about Are You Confident Today?. She purchased Confident (as we lovingly call it) and my other book, Cracking the Code: Spreading Rumors (chapter book, great for grades 3 and up) so the students could do an "author study." Wow! I was humbled.

I was able to speak with many of those kids who were reading one of the books. Most were reading Confident..and I have to tell you...those kids are CONFIDENT!

As I read the book, I would ask them questions.

• Who makes their breakfast?
• Who gets their backpack ready before school?
• Who has tried something new?
• Who has had to practice and practice before mastering a new skill?
• How do we treat others when they make a mistake?
• How do we feel when we make a mistake? Do we try again or give up?

Time after time, hands were raised and little mouths were opened to tell me their stories. I loved it.

Then came time to talk to the parents about bullying, empathy, and raising responsible kids. Since the kids were still sitting on the floor in front of me, I didn't want to leave them out. As I gave my presentation, I asked the kids questions like:

• What's the difference between bullying behavior and conflict behavior?
• What's the difference between tattling and reporting?
• What do you do when you're being bullied?
• Do you have a "family mission"?

The kids had GREAT answers.

Summit Academy Elementary North is grooming some wonderful, character-filled students! I'm so happy that they chose our books to help complement their curriculum.

If you're interested in learning more about our school program, please don't hesitate to contact us! I can be reached at krismyankee @ gmail (dot) com.

A Class Favorite!

We love to read reviews on Amazon, but I think we love it even more to see when a class adopts the first book in our new Becoming a Better You! series as their favorite book. Are You Confident Today? is Mrs. Morgan's 1st grade class's favorite book for March. How cool is that?

We would love to hear how YOU are using Are You Confident Today? in your classroom!

Are You Creating Opportunities for Confidence?

Parenting is a HUGE job. There are so many things we have to make sure our kids experience on a daily basis. Not only are we responsible for making sure that our child is clothed, fed, and sheltered, we also are responsible for helping to mold him/her into a citizen of the world. This molding includes:

• understanding and following rules
• caring about themselves and others, physically and emotionally
• learning to make decisions
• knowing right from wrong
• treating others with respect, kindness, empathy, love. etc.
• being responsible

The list goes on and on. Frankly, raising a child can seem like a daunting task for any new and/or established parent.

What is one of the ways to help mold your child into a citizen of the world? 

One way is to create opportunities for confidence. For the younger child, these opportunities could be as simple as:

• folding towels
• making the bed
• getting food and water for a pet
• putting away toys
• helping Mommy at the grocery store

For the older child, these opportunities could be:

• trying something new (sport, hobby, musical instrument, class, etc.)
• making dinner for the family
• doing chores and depositing their earnings into a savings account
• babysitting younger siblings or other younger kids in the neighborhood
• bringing in the newspaper or mail for a neighbor who is on vacation

We'd love to hear what you do to help create opportunities for confidence!